Letters from the Back of the Line Part 1

(Hell yes, I'm listening to Fortunate Son by CCR)

So Rambo, as I've mentioned before, has finally got in touch with us. He shipped off to join the Army the last week of April. Cos his first letter is so damn good, I'll just throw it up here unadulterated.

For the sake of nunyafuckinbiznass, of course I'm "JG" and Rambo's other best mate is "Porn" (the reason why, that's a whole nutha story)

"Dear JG and Porn:
Let me start off by telling you how much my ass hurts. My left cheek is as red as the devil's dick and swollen as a fat girl's stomach at the Golden Corral. They gave us penicillin shots in the ass, basically. I'm still here at Reception Battalion and waiting to ship downrange to basic training. All we do now is stand around in formation, get shots, and eat like pigs. Believe it or not the food is really good. For the most part all the other recruits are pretty cool and the officers and drill sergeants are very professional.

(At this point I laughed my head off, envisioning new and wonderful asswhoopings Rambo is being subjected to, then the hardass who dished em out watching over Rambo's shoulder as he writes this!)

As soon as I get downrange I will send you my mailing address. I also may have you mail me my cell phone. Please don't wreck my car and don't fuck on my bed.
Love you guys,
Best regards,

SPC Rambo
--- -- --
US Army

Hooah!"

Gay fish, yo.

WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO RAP!? All these whiny ass auto-tuned crooners are killing me. Or rather, making me want to kill myself. I'm sure Tupac and Biggie are rolling over in their graves, and Easy E wouldn't have wasted a bullet on these jokers, let alone give 'em an STD. (Waste of fucking time) aha. ha. yeah

If you don't know what autotune is, it's that ohsofucking annoying "computerized" vocal effect EVERYONE is using these days. And it's ignorant-ass "music lovers" like yourself (I hope not) that are fueling this gayfest.

I implore you: stick your "808s and Whining" CDs in the microwave, if only for a few seconds!

Who was the first person to release an album that was entirely autotuned (making "genius", fishstick-loving Kanye think it's an OK thing to do) you might ask? Let me tell you: fucking Cher! As in, Sonny &.

Christ deliver me from these persecutors of my eardrums! Seriously, I know I'm a fan of Old Testament God, the badass, fire & brimstone One, but this is too much.

As with many large categories (rules, groups, stereotypes) there are a few exceptions. I've heard a handful of songs with some autotuned choruses or something that are good. But they're easily the minority.

I know if I ever see that circus freak T-Pain, I'm gonna give him some straight uppercut-pain, and knock his goofy, Mad Hatter'd ass out. Granted, T-Pain's probably better than his real name, Faheem Rasheed Najm. (ah, Google) Not to hate (I voted for Barack Hussein Obama) but his agent probably told him sales would be better if his name didn't look like one on a Florida pilots instructor course app.
Tallahassee-Pain, the full version, I feel I don't even have to make fun of, you are already doing that in your head.

I say all this because I recently had a discussion about this damn autotune madness, and people who agree are like Copernicus finding an understanding Catholic.

By far my favorite song with this over-hyped phenomenon would be Trey Parker and Matt Stone's "Gay Fish". Classic.

"But now I’m out and I’m free to love what I want
Be it yellowfin or bass or that trout in Vermont
I slap that marlin ass, make that grouper butt shake
I’ll come to your house and have an orgy in your mothafuckin fish tank"

Thank you SouthPark. Thank you!
(Gay fish, yo.)

-J

Wenger Knows

...he's full of shit. That would be Arsene Wenger, long-time manager of London's Arsenal Football Club. And I know he knows he's full of shit. All his talk of the world seeing a "magnificent" display in the Champions' League semifinal against Manchester United was hot air. The only 'magnifique' display was from Manchester's Red Devils, who beat Arsenal like Manny Pacquiao beat Hatton: quickly, ruthlessly and making it look bloody easy.

Cristiano Ronaldo scored a 41 yard free kick. For the football-challenged, when the opposing team has a free kick, you get to set up a "wall" of around 5 of your players to cut the angle down and cover about half the goal, leaving the goalkeeper less area to worry about. Apparently Arsenal needed 6 players in their wall, their 'keeper Manual Almunia looking like a poster boy for the "Help I've Fallen and Can't Get Up" commercials. This is him in a rare moment up on his feet:



Granted, I'm sick of all the politically correct "Oh, we respect our opponents and won't be complacent, anyone can beat anyone in football blahblahblah." I've heard it way too many times, and the logic is, you don't want to appear to take beating an inferior opponent for granted if, by some ungodly event, you lose to that team with worse players/less budget/both.

But in Wenger's case, it's talk a lot of shit when you're the inferior team. Can't look bad afterwards....right?

"I am very confident [Arsenal] will produce a magnificent performance and that we will manage [to win].

-J

Winnie the Flu

106.1 FM

Lex & Terry in the mornings. Probably the best damn morning radio show in the biz. Definitely responsible for me coping with waking up at the asscrack of dawn for my new(ish) job, that's for sure.

I remember listening to it when I went to public high school. (We started at 7fucking30 believe it or not.) My favorite was "Drunk Bitch Friday", when they would have a girl on the show, wasted, at like 7am. Formula for hilarity? Yes.

These guys have women calling them all the time saying they want to bang 'em. Why, might you ask, would a girl want someone who they've never SEEN, cos they're on a RADIO SHOW? (I assume this caliber of girl can't get online to find pictures.) Simple, says I, because a hoe is a hoe...is a hoe.

Not only do these guys have cult status in the tri-state area and beyond, but they seem to always come up with ridiculously funny ideas on their show. Like last week, when they get a caller to go along with some wild situation and prank their friend. On the radio.

Last time it was some yokel from South Florida who ended up calling his best friend. We'll call him Hank. Hank calls his best "friend", knowing that he is stuck on an Army base, and proceeds to tell him that he got off work really early, as their was no more work to do. (Lex & Terry have briefed Hank on the whole plan.) Hank tells his buddy that on the way home, he and his colleague picked up a hooker, went to some motel, and got their money's worth. Hank also tells him that he has no money. I believe he told him "I got.....two dollars!" Hank's friend is audibly pissed. So why'd you call ME, man? Cos you're like my best friend. AND HER PIMP IS BANGING ON THE DOOR TO OUR ROOM! HE'S PISSED! (surprise!)

Right when Hank's best "friend" tells him that, sorry, this time he's on his own, Lex & Terry pipe up and let the guy know he's on the radio and it was a prank. When they tried to give Hank's buddy shit for not being willing to help, the guy replies "Well, he actually does stuff like this all the time, the "prank" wasn't too far fetched for Hank."

Another "prank" I've heard is an ex-addict calling her best friend who's a nurse, and telling her that she got doped up last night, woke up and has been raped. Once again, this is on 106.1 FM, folks. Morning, 7-10am.

Classic.

Usurping "Drunk Bitch Friday" is my new favorite, "Meal or No Meal". In MoNM, they have one of their studio goons go out and find homeless guys to play the game. There are like 10 options, to which the bums can win anything from $140 fast food giftcards to carrots "that have fallen out of a guy's ear". I'm not making this shit up. (It wouldn't be as funny, anyway.) Like Deal or No Deal, you pick an option, they reveal what it is, and you settle for it, or risk a better or worse deal on another unknown option. Look if I have to explain this damn show more, stop reading and find an episode on YouTube or something.

The bum I heard went from an excited, drunkandmumbling loony to a (albeit very slow and still slurred) deliberate, hardball negotiator. Seriously, this fucking optimist turned down EIGHT offers, each time Lex & Terry having to call "the Banker" to see what his next offer would be. The sidewalk weekend warrior turned down offers that turned out to be a steakhouse meal, a bag of chips, $10, a garbage bag and a few others until he had just two options left. I mean, what was he waiting for? An unattended minor and a bag of candy!? he finally settled on an unknown pick, one of two things left.

And wouldn't you know it, the stubborn bastard ended up with a $140 fast-food-chain-of-your- choosing giftcard!! Of course, Lex & Terry had to talk the fucker into keeping it. And good thing they did, too.

The other, had he turned down the giftcard? A "rotten ass" banana.

Well, gets me to work smiling.

-J

GET SOME!

A tribute to my close friend, we'll call him "Rambo", who has just made the ultimate sacrifice. (No, no Mel Gibson. Nothing to do with Jews. Chill your shit.) He's signed up to kick some ass in Obama's Army.

Rambo has a noble philosophy that goes something like, "If you want the benefits of American Citizenship, you have to earn it." But don't let that form the foundation of your picture of Rambo. That's too...clean.

We used to go to every college soccer game just to yell at opposing teams and, when necessary, berate their mothers, too. (Only when they started saying mean things to us for calling out their dirty-playin kids.)

Rambo and I used to set off car alarms in college with his subwoofers in his Jeep. We had a great time sophomore (...or junior?) year drinking from 3 in the afternoon Friday til Saturday sometime around nightfall. We did stuff to freshmen I can't even write about here!

I once took great pride in doing a beer bong through a PVC American flag pole on Memorial Day along with Rambo. (I think there's some video of this somewhere, I remember fireworks going off right behind us as we chugged. His mom poured the beer, cackling the whole time!)
The kid is epic.

I see him pretty much as the driver in HBO's Generation Kill.
If you're one of those forest-fornicatin' , Bambi-blowin' hippies who doesn't watch war movies (or you're broke and just don't have HBO) then let me capture the essence of the driver, Cpl. Ray, in one of his quotes:

"This whole thing comes down to pussy. You take the Republican Guard and comp their asses for a week in Vegas. No fuckin war."

I'll actually credit our Rambo with being funnier than Cpl. Ray. But it's close. He's two parts Tucker Max, one part Cpl. Ray, and one part John Adams, believe it or not.

If Rambo can fight anything like he can drink, he's gonna kill a lot of Skinnies/pirates/terrorists!

Godspeed, sir, and above all else, GET SOME!

(I know you have no access to the outside world when you're in basic training. Sounds pretty damn shitty. But this'll be here when you get out.)

-J

Ridin' on......

tweels!? I don't know if you've seen them yet, but I think these are probably the coolest recent development for the auto industry, apart from when Obama made that dumbass Rick Wagoner resign.

Tweels. Ballin.


No more flats, no more tire guages, no more of that bullshit tire shine (it's like shoeshine, but if you walked through cow shit in those shoes all the time...) and, my favorite part, triumphant over police spike strips!!!

Car chases just got that much more interesting.

And they look ballin in motion:

Made in everyone's favorite succession state, South Carolina, they are due to drop "soon"; no guesses on the price, yet. Along with Charleston women and a football team idolizing fighting cocks, these "tars" are at the top of the State's contributions to our wonderful nation.

Coming soon (my audience of three must be gripping their monitors white-nuckled right now):
a tribute to who I'll name as Rambo, a brave badass who just signed up to fight in Obama's Army.
Get some!

-J