Motivization!

Get Your Basketball On!

Cheers, Charlie Murphy (Daaahrkness!)

-J

Esquire's Rules for June 2009

Rule No. 413: Men in the South are much more likely to talk to one another in restrooms.

Rule No. 451: No additional valuable information comes from the question-and-answer session.

Rule No. 463: It's never a good idea to look too deep into the seat-back pocket in front of you.

Rule No. 488: Good bartenders have names like Jack, Tom, or Lou. The best bartenders have names like Jackie, Tommy, or Louie.

RELATED STORIES:

• THE RULES: Our Words of Wisdom

Feel the Truthiness
-J

"By the time you get this, I'll probably be halfway out!"

So, I'm sure you all know about T.I.'s weapons conviction...so, before he serves his time, he's released a sick, sick mixtape album called "A Year and a Day", his pre-sentence rapage of virgin ears.

Seriously, if you hate how the Crunk era of rap pretty much capitalized on and forced the trend of minimalist beats and what I like to describe as "RETARDED" lyrics, then you'll really like this mixtape.

I only got to track 3 on the way to work, and I loved the songs so far. "Hell of a Life" (track 3) is simply awesome. Same sort of well-crafted feel as "Whatever You Like", sick beat and good, musical qualities, with a chick singing a mean chorus and the man himself droppin' some hard verses of courses.
Just knowing T.I., the rest of the 16 tracks will be ill.

Check it out, if you don't like it, "kill yo'self!"

-J

Summertime...

And pimpin' still ain't easy. (Untrue.)

So after Saturday's FA Cup showdown between London's Chelsea (boo hiss) and Liverpool's Everton, the 08-09 football season will be over!!!
A football-barren landscape is all I see. Thank God this sport's off season is only 2 1/2 months.
The mighty Red Devils ended their season with a flat, uninspired defeat to Barcelona. After 65 games this season (for about 80% of the season we were involved in 3 different competitions) the 66th match proved to be too much. I watched a little on break at the office, and it was pretty much a soccer version of Pacquiao v. Hatton!

Still, at the end of the day, we finished with trophies from the Club World Cup, the Carling Cup and the Charity Shield season opener. Best of all, we were champions of the English Premier League, the most competitive season-long campaign in the game. 38 matches, 90 points at the end of it all; our third year being the best in the Mother Country!

For you traumatic brain injury victims who couldn't care less, I'll stop boring you.

The rebound relationship that will fill the summer void left by Manchester United is going out on the boat:
1 15ft. motor boat
one cooler
2 bags ice
~24 beers
one pitbull
other person to pilot the boat (most of the time)

All you need for a kickass Saturday (or Sunday).

While the beach is fun (gray Tybee Island sand, hilarious rednecks near the pier, hot bia's and absolutely no surf) the boat is always going to trump it. It's like one of the last bastions of Americana! Everyone waves to each other, like boating is an inclusive redneck, baller, fisherman, prepschool, ex-pirate club. All you need is to have a boat.

I am pretty curious about the distinct lack of black people out on the water...perhaps someone can clue me in on that. Steven Colbert's Black Friend may know.

Oh yeah, expect more Blog apathy. I've learned that putting in some boxing work on the heavy bag after lifting weights makes me not really give a damn about anything. Especially typing

-J

Rake

Pete Dougherty, (said scoundrel) known to be a "geezer" in the Mother Country .


"A rake. A scalawag. A ne’er-do-well. A scoundrel. Even a reprobate. There is power in the way people perceive you, especially when they think they have you figured out. It is essential that you are, at some point, considered one of these, if only for a short while, and only by a small group."

Brilliant. Pretty much sums up my MO when studying abroad in London, though with an added "guy from the Dirty South" tinge.


Cheers, Esquire!

-J

Glory, Glory Man. United

Letters from the Back of the Line Part 2

More word from Rambo:

"Dear JG and Porn:

Guys, this shit can only be described as a mind fuck. The drill sergeants control every aspect of our lives, at least for the next 3 weeks. They put shit in our food that prevents us from getting boners and turns our poop green. And I have 30 seconds every night to take a shower. Basically, life sucks during red phase. Upside is everyone is really cool and we get lots of exercise. But don't worry about me. I just have to do the time. Enclosed is a sample envelop for you to copy when you write me. It would be good to hear from you guys. Let me know what you've been up to and how things are at home.

Best Regards,
SPC Rambo
US ARMY"

So, after I write a good, and above all, normal letter to Rambo, our mutual friend decides that Rambo would love nothing more than a letter that goes a little something like this:

"My Dear Rambo,

I am missing you velly hard en much. I has your picture in my pocket all times and pray to Allah for you quick returns and many joy. I has got e new dress lest wick to put on whin you getted back to mi for a short whilst.

Lookee, I knowed you has truble wif my bed Englis. I is tried, I mean tired, uf et as well too et thes time. I rilly miss you. I go to car of yours at place you once live [this would be me and Porn's house] and some rilly rilly white guy [Porn] and what appear him lover with beard [this would be me] wus kissing in thes back seat and rubbing wildly. Does you know this peeples? They have keys and play wrap music thet say "All I want to do is rub my zoom zoom in your boom boom". I only thank you give them keys.

I no can take if they are wif you as too. My brother once kiss man and get stoned by local militia. I no can take you kiss man or get stone. Not in head, it hurt! I too get stone when look at cousin pee-pee, but I was little and they only throw little rock. You have big sweaty muscle and get big sweaty rockers.

I send picture for you to lick at whin yu furget what true love be on a page with color. You have my heart and I pray fir your return, so I can show you dress and clear up white boy/beard boy issues. Please no be crooked, be straight. You no get lot of virgins if you crooked.

With many heart,
Maquilla Mosamma, le hot momma, hee-hee."

Good Lord, I wish you could see the picture he sent. Two parts Robin Williams, one part female Mooslim!

I'm calling push-ups. Yeah, and lots of yelling at Rambo...

-J