Wenger Knows

...he's full of shit. That would be Arsene Wenger, long-time manager of London's Arsenal Football Club. And I know he knows he's full of shit. All his talk of the world seeing a "magnificent" display in the Champions' League semifinal against Manchester United was hot air. The only 'magnifique' display was from Manchester's Red Devils, who beat Arsenal like Manny Pacquiao beat Hatton: quickly, ruthlessly and making it look bloody easy.

Cristiano Ronaldo scored a 41 yard free kick. For the football-challenged, when the opposing team has a free kick, you get to set up a "wall" of around 5 of your players to cut the angle down and cover about half the goal, leaving the goalkeeper less area to worry about. Apparently Arsenal needed 6 players in their wall, their 'keeper Manual Almunia looking like a poster boy for the "Help I've Fallen and Can't Get Up" commercials. This is him in a rare moment up on his feet:



Granted, I'm sick of all the politically correct "Oh, we respect our opponents and won't be complacent, anyone can beat anyone in football blahblahblah." I've heard it way too many times, and the logic is, you don't want to appear to take beating an inferior opponent for granted if, by some ungodly event, you lose to that team with worse players/less budget/both.

But in Wenger's case, it's talk a lot of shit when you're the inferior team. Can't look bad afterwards....right?

"I am very confident [Arsenal] will produce a magnificent performance and that we will manage [to win].

-J

Winnie the Flu

106.1 FM

Lex & Terry in the mornings. Probably the best damn morning radio show in the biz. Definitely responsible for me coping with waking up at the asscrack of dawn for my new(ish) job, that's for sure.

I remember listening to it when I went to public high school. (We started at 7fucking30 believe it or not.) My favorite was "Drunk Bitch Friday", when they would have a girl on the show, wasted, at like 7am. Formula for hilarity? Yes.

These guys have women calling them all the time saying they want to bang 'em. Why, might you ask, would a girl want someone who they've never SEEN, cos they're on a RADIO SHOW? (I assume this caliber of girl can't get online to find pictures.) Simple, says I, because a hoe is a hoe...is a hoe.

Not only do these guys have cult status in the tri-state area and beyond, but they seem to always come up with ridiculously funny ideas on their show. Like last week, when they get a caller to go along with some wild situation and prank their friend. On the radio.

Last time it was some yokel from South Florida who ended up calling his best friend. We'll call him Hank. Hank calls his best "friend", knowing that he is stuck on an Army base, and proceeds to tell him that he got off work really early, as their was no more work to do. (Lex & Terry have briefed Hank on the whole plan.) Hank tells his buddy that on the way home, he and his colleague picked up a hooker, went to some motel, and got their money's worth. Hank also tells him that he has no money. I believe he told him "I got.....two dollars!" Hank's friend is audibly pissed. So why'd you call ME, man? Cos you're like my best friend. AND HER PIMP IS BANGING ON THE DOOR TO OUR ROOM! HE'S PISSED! (surprise!)

Right when Hank's best "friend" tells him that, sorry, this time he's on his own, Lex & Terry pipe up and let the guy know he's on the radio and it was a prank. When they tried to give Hank's buddy shit for not being willing to help, the guy replies "Well, he actually does stuff like this all the time, the "prank" wasn't too far fetched for Hank."

Another "prank" I've heard is an ex-addict calling her best friend who's a nurse, and telling her that she got doped up last night, woke up and has been raped. Once again, this is on 106.1 FM, folks. Morning, 7-10am.

Classic.

Usurping "Drunk Bitch Friday" is my new favorite, "Meal or No Meal". In MoNM, they have one of their studio goons go out and find homeless guys to play the game. There are like 10 options, to which the bums can win anything from $140 fast food giftcards to carrots "that have fallen out of a guy's ear". I'm not making this shit up. (It wouldn't be as funny, anyway.) Like Deal or No Deal, you pick an option, they reveal what it is, and you settle for it, or risk a better or worse deal on another unknown option. Look if I have to explain this damn show more, stop reading and find an episode on YouTube or something.

The bum I heard went from an excited, drunkandmumbling loony to a (albeit very slow and still slurred) deliberate, hardball negotiator. Seriously, this fucking optimist turned down EIGHT offers, each time Lex & Terry having to call "the Banker" to see what his next offer would be. The sidewalk weekend warrior turned down offers that turned out to be a steakhouse meal, a bag of chips, $10, a garbage bag and a few others until he had just two options left. I mean, what was he waiting for? An unattended minor and a bag of candy!? he finally settled on an unknown pick, one of two things left.

And wouldn't you know it, the stubborn bastard ended up with a $140 fast-food-chain-of-your- choosing giftcard!! Of course, Lex & Terry had to talk the fucker into keeping it. And good thing they did, too.

The other, had he turned down the giftcard? A "rotten ass" banana.

Well, gets me to work smiling.

-J

GET SOME!

A tribute to my close friend, we'll call him "Rambo", who has just made the ultimate sacrifice. (No, no Mel Gibson. Nothing to do with Jews. Chill your shit.) He's signed up to kick some ass in Obama's Army.

Rambo has a noble philosophy that goes something like, "If you want the benefits of American Citizenship, you have to earn it." But don't let that form the foundation of your picture of Rambo. That's too...clean.

We used to go to every college soccer game just to yell at opposing teams and, when necessary, berate their mothers, too. (Only when they started saying mean things to us for calling out their dirty-playin kids.)

Rambo and I used to set off car alarms in college with his subwoofers in his Jeep. We had a great time sophomore (...or junior?) year drinking from 3 in the afternoon Friday til Saturday sometime around nightfall. We did stuff to freshmen I can't even write about here!

I once took great pride in doing a beer bong through a PVC American flag pole on Memorial Day along with Rambo. (I think there's some video of this somewhere, I remember fireworks going off right behind us as we chugged. His mom poured the beer, cackling the whole time!)
The kid is epic.

I see him pretty much as the driver in HBO's Generation Kill.
If you're one of those forest-fornicatin' , Bambi-blowin' hippies who doesn't watch war movies (or you're broke and just don't have HBO) then let me capture the essence of the driver, Cpl. Ray, in one of his quotes:

"This whole thing comes down to pussy. You take the Republican Guard and comp their asses for a week in Vegas. No fuckin war."

I'll actually credit our Rambo with being funnier than Cpl. Ray. But it's close. He's two parts Tucker Max, one part Cpl. Ray, and one part John Adams, believe it or not.

If Rambo can fight anything like he can drink, he's gonna kill a lot of Skinnies/pirates/terrorists!

Godspeed, sir, and above all else, GET SOME!

(I know you have no access to the outside world when you're in basic training. Sounds pretty damn shitty. But this'll be here when you get out.)

-J

Ridin' on......

tweels!? I don't know if you've seen them yet, but I think these are probably the coolest recent development for the auto industry, apart from when Obama made that dumbass Rick Wagoner resign.

Tweels. Ballin.


No more flats, no more tire guages, no more of that bullshit tire shine (it's like shoeshine, but if you walked through cow shit in those shoes all the time...) and, my favorite part, triumphant over police spike strips!!!

Car chases just got that much more interesting.

And they look ballin in motion:

Made in everyone's favorite succession state, South Carolina, they are due to drop "soon"; no guesses on the price, yet. Along with Charleston women and a football team idolizing fighting cocks, these "tars" are at the top of the State's contributions to our wonderful nation.

Coming soon (my audience of three must be gripping their monitors white-nuckled right now):
a tribute to who I'll name as Rambo, a brave badass who just signed up to fight in Obama's Army.
Get some!

-J

The same gene

that makes me enjoy whiskey (and probably the same gene that made Bush invade Iraq) is responsible for my interest in classic boxing.

Not that cage-fighting, Tae Kwon Do, kick-him-in-the-teeth as you sit on him, Muay Thai shitshow; real, classic, toe-to-toe, straightup Western boxing.

Nothing is a better flagship for this than HBO's "Pacquiao/Hatton 24/7" show.

It follows both camps during the four weeks in Vegas leading up to their battle for the title of "best pound-for-pound" boxer in the world. Believe me, these are two "140 lb." guys who can whoop some ass. The Phillipine's Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao (45-3-2 with 35 KOs) vs. Manchester, England's Ricky "The Hitman" Hatton (43-1 with 31 KOs) is, as my friend Chris says, "probably definitley" gonna be a kickass fight. May 2nd, 9pm, HBO, it's on.

And undoubtedly the second best part of boxing, besides being a noble barfight, is the SHIT-TALKING!

Prime example: Hatton's trainer, Floyd George Mayweather, Sr., "Is he crazy!? Hatton will beat the fucking socks off Pacquiao!"

Pacquiao's trainer, Freddie Roach, "You know how Manny usually wears white shorts? I already told Manny to wear red shorts that night. There’s going to be a lot of blood, and it won’t be from Manny."

Though, I have to say, if there were points awarded for loquacious shit-talking, Hatton's boy would take the cake. Here are some more of FGMSr's gems:

On himself: "I know for a fact that I'm talented! It's not boastin, it aint braggin, it's a FACT!" and "I'm the best trainer of all time! Not this time, that time, part-time, full-time...ALL time!"

On his bad relationship with his son: "[FGMJr.] thanks everyone but his daddy. He thanks Leonard Ellerbe, a homosexual, I know he's a homosexual and everyone else knows it. You can print that because I said it, I can tell you nothing else but how gay he is."

On Arturo Gatti: "Gatti should've stopped 14 years ago. He got famous for bleeding from the head, ass and everything else. You make sure you put that in there. Gatti's going to go to the Hall of Fame and he should go to the Hall of Shame for taking ass whoopings. Put that just like I said it."

Love it.

So grab the cigars, cheap drank and worse women, get your broke ass in front of HBO's PPV screen with a credit card and watch two grown men try and hospitalize each other. With rules.

-J

Tannic Acid

In my veryfarfromhumble opinion, the first and last GOOD, BENEFICIAL tea party was in 1773(unless you count trippin' balls with the Mad Hatter's crew).
In fucking BOSTON.

And this coming from a half Englishman!

I have to hand it to the self-righteously indignant Repubs, who have publicly been throwing their toys out of the pram. (Yes! Englishism! eat it.) They do seem a bit more motivated than the Dubya-era Democrats, who couldn't be bothered to do anything more collaborative than yell along with Deano the Screamo, and put all their hopes on a botoxed, ketchup-rich Yankee.

But, on the other hand, I'm gonna have to call them sore losers.

Jon Stewart pointed out some flaws in the ideology of the "thousands of disgruntled people of non-color taking to the streets", most notably their response to the gubment's "wasteful spending", which was to buy a million tea bags.

Define irony.

The silver lining was getting to hear all the Fox "news" cardborad cads and newsbunnies saying the word "teabag". Priceless.

The only thing that tops that is the HBO RealSex episode from 2000 that came on last night, showing a bunch of very empowered spoken word peotry females saying "PUNANY!!!"

"PUNANY!!!"

And it's poo-nahn-ee, according to these experts.

They must've said it like 30 times. The best parts were when they said it in a very serious sentence like "Yes, it's a movement that portrays the power that women must harness....punany." or "It's an issue very important to us, punany."
Amen sister!

I think I now have a hernia.

Oh, and on another note, I've been meaning to chastise you lurkers (Ronnie) out there for not signing in a basic profile and 'following' this blog. Ask Gene (half of my following) how easy it is. Although, Gene informs me that nobody really reads this. Punany.

(In my book, that's a word that really ends in "ie".)

-J